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The Haunted House

Shruti has written a wonderful story over half term and she would love to share it with everyone. Please leave some comments for her and ENJOY…

Lilly and Josh were brother and sister but they acted like two friends because they were always fighting.Today they were not fighting because they were going on a school trip to a massive art gallery. They were really excited because it was their first time going to a gallery! They were imagining how the enchanting gallery would be like. It would be red from outside and yellow from inside and it would have a beautiful chandelier at the top of the building. It would just be perfect, they thought.

“Ok then children, we are getting on the bus in any minute now so please stand in a silent queue.” said Miss Bat their teacher. They sat on the bus and started to go. Everyone was really excited but Lilly and Josh were the most excited. They eventually got to the gallery but when they got there it wasn’t like they imagined. It wasn’t red from outside, it wasn’t yellow from inside, it didn’t have a big chandelier at the top. Instead it was black from outside and black from inside. It had cobwebs at the top of the building, it wasn’t perfect. It was horrible. Once they got in they saw loads of things but no art work. Lilly and Josh were shocked, Miss Bat was shocked and the children were all shocked. Everyone thought that it looked more like a haunted house. “Come on then children, we have a lot see.” said their tour guide.

After a while Lilly and Josh where getting a bit bored so they decided to sneak away and find something interesting to do. They found a room which was glowing and it had 5 doors on the wall. “This place is making me scared.” whispered Lilly.
“It’s making me a bit scared too.” Josh whispered.
“What should we do?” cried Lilly’.
“Run!” shouted Josh, so without thinking they ran into one of the doors on the wall. After that, they both found themselves in a gigantic room which was amazing. It had a chandelier at the top and it was all yellow inside. It was just perfect. “Wow! Where are we?” Lilly said in a shocked voice. “I love this place!” exclaimed Lilly.
“Me too!” shouted Josh. Suddenly they heard a noise- “WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WOOSH.” “Huh, what is that sound?” cried Lilly.
“I don’t know but it sounded like wind though, very loud wind.” said Josh.
“We better close that window so that we don’t get frightened again.” said Lilly.
“RATTLE, RATTLE, RATTLE!” they heard another noise. “AAAGGGHHH, What was that sound” screamed Lilly.
“It sounded like the chandelier, it must be loose.” said Josh. CRASH! “AAA!” screamed Lilly and Josh. “The… the… the… cha… cha… chandelier broke.” Lilly stuttered in a scared voice.
“Let’s sit down on that couch and have a rest.” said Josh.
“Okay.” said Lilly.

They sat down but then oh no the coach started to fly. First it was flying really slow but then it started to zoom around the room. It was going so fast that it was going faster then a rocket. “AAA!” they both screamed, it eventually started to slow down. “I’m so dizzy.” they both cried. After that ride they didn’t even dare to sit on anything, including the couch. Suddenly a cupboard magically appeared in front of them, they looked inside it but there was nothing. They then looked at the back of the cupboard but there was nothing there either. They wondered why it was there but then they had a look inside one more time and a GHOST came out. “AAA!” screamed Lilly.

“What happened Lilly?” mum cried.
“I had a terrible dream.” said Lilly.
“Oh don’t worry, it’s all over now.” said mum. “ Well come on then, time to get dressed for school. You’re going to the gallery today.” said mum quickly.
“NOO!” shouted Lilly.


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  • Mr Rex · June 3, 2014 at 2:55 pm

    I think it was very clever to revolve your story around a chandelier, excellent word by the way, and how you used the dream sequence to explain your story. I really enjoyed reading your creativity during my afternoon break, Shruti!


  • Mr Boynes

    Author comment by Mr Boynes · June 3, 2014 at 4:48 pm

    Shruti, I love the way you set up the expectation of the red and yellow building, deconstruct it by describing the black one, then explain this by using the dream ending. I was particularly impressed with your time words used as openers, which help to set the scene and then stucture your writing. I spotted ‘today was…’, ‘first’, ‘after a while’ and ‘after that’.

    As far as next time goes, I’d love to have seen some ‘ly’ openers to really start your sentences with a bang. You had a ‘suddenly’ but maybe could have used ‘expectantly’ for one of the sentences when they’re on the journey or perhaps ‘chillingly’ or ‘stealthily’ for some action in the house.

    Can you rewrite one of your sentences that would include one of these openers?
    Can you others think of any ‘ly’ openers that Shruti could have used?


    • William · June 5, 2014 at 6:30 pm

      Mr Boynes I have a few ideas like: worryingly, scarily, excitedly, weirdly and kindly.


  • William · June 3, 2014 at 6:10 pm

    WOW Shruti that was amazing work there I really liked that story. I can’t wait to see more of that work. I really liked the last bit and the start. But mostly I liked the dream. You could use a few more wow words.


  • Luca · June 3, 2014 at 6:25 pm

    WOW what a huge story. I have never seen a story that big.I think it had a lot of exclamation Marcs. Well done.


  • Sid · June 3, 2014 at 6:43 pm

    Shruti, your story was great!Your ways of using the word ‘said’ was OUTSTANDING especially ‘screamed’.I found it absolutely funny! Next time you can try not to overuse a word because you used cried a lot.

    Well done Shruti! Keep up the good work!


    • Mr Cluett

      Author comment by Mr Cluett · June 4, 2014 at 9:01 pm

      A great comment Sid. I agree that Shruti used some outstanding words in place of “said.”
      Furthermore, I agree that Shruti should try not to overuse a certain word. Instead of “cried” perhaps you could use “yelled” or “shrieked.”


  • Aadi · June 3, 2014 at 8:58 pm

    Well done Shruti you have been writing a lot and very good imagination. Great story. I really enjoyed it.


  • Shruti · June 4, 2014 at 8:03 am

    Thank you everyone I really appreciate your kind comments and suggestions. Thank you


  • Amy · June 4, 2014 at 4:54 pm

    Shruti I really enjoyed reading that stupendously phenominal story I read just now! It’s really got the artistic touch. Mr Cluett made a fair and square decision when he allowed it to go on the blog. I love the bit where it seems a nightmare at the very end but I’m sure the art gallery won’t be so bad in real life.

    P.S Lilly is spelt Lily


  • Thomas B · June 4, 2014 at 5:07 pm

    well done Shruti!!!!!!

    It was a lot to write! I really enjoyed it. it was a very clever story.


  • Mr. Warner · June 5, 2014 at 5:26 pm

    That was an exhilarating read Shruti! I particularly enjoyed the different techniques you used to make it so interesting, like adverbs and similes. I also thought it was a clever idea to link the ending back to the beginning by having the mum say they were going to a gallery.

    Do you think you could have used some more compound sentences?


  • Shruti · June 5, 2014 at 7:15 pm

    Thank you Mr. Warner for your kind comments, I will definitely try and use more compound sentences in my next write up.


  • Hector · June 6, 2014 at 6:30 pm

    I liked Shruti’s story because it had good punctuation:-)


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